A SMT Fan Reads Brewdening Love
by HeraldChaos72
Summary: A Mary Sue stalks Deadward in the hopes that she'll have Deadward as her boyfriend. Lulz and unfortunate implications are bound to show up in this snarking.
1. Chapter 1

**Brewdening Love Commentary**

**Author's Note: **For this snark, I will personally comment what is bad about this badfic. It's offensive to every Christian everywhere and makes non-Christians want to convert to the Mormon faith. Beware, there is misspellings and unfortunate implications throughout. I will also have a snarking buddy.

Chapter 1: Genesis

Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! **(I personally don't like Twilight.**) I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. **(I don't think he's attractive.)** ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc **(From what I know so far, she's not.)** so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo

I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at deleated it but I am glad the Jew and the Bird are gone and aint flaming me anymore **(What a anti-Semitic suethor...)**

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I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God **(Are you implying that Edward is a god?)** because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars) becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat **(All you care about is looks.)** so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.

I giglied when he lookd at mwah **(Seriously? I don't think you spelt 'me' right.)** and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly. I flacked my long brown hare **(Your hair is a rabbit?)** hoppping to git his atention. I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt **(Stop with the costume porn.)** becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway. **(Mary is not a whore.)**

Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah **(If he looks away from you, it means he doesn't like you.)** so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).** (The Lord also teaches us to use the correct tense when we write fanfics.)**

I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T **(This shows how much of a Mary Sue you really are.)** (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!) **(You know you're a good author when you literally have to put a sign that says 'FORESHADOWING')**

He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice. **(The correct spelling is brooding. Learn how to spell, suethor.)**

"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk? **(He wants to know why you are on his desk.)**

So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him. **(I don't believe that you truly love him.)**

He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. He looks at me and turns away agin. **(It's official. She's a transvestite.)**

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So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! **(I'm laughing hysterically.)** GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3

**This fanfic is atrocious. But, there will be more lulz this time around.**


	2. Chapter 2

**More lulz continues and the introduction of my snarking buddy, Frederick the Wary from Fire Emblem: Awakening.**

Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev **_(Frederick: Gods, I can't believe she can't even spell the simplest of words, let alone the easiest names.)_ (Yes, she's an idiot for not spelling properly.)**

Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? **_(Frederick: For a supposed Christian girl, I'm surprised that she doesn't follow the Bible's teachings at all.)_ (Yeah. This shows she's not really Christian at all.)** AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch **_(Frederick: How rude.)_ (Indeed.)** - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. **_(Frederick: Not all people like your story.)_ (You know, Erin, you really need to get a reality-check.)** Anyway Edward is much 3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter **_(Frederick: Isn't it supposed to be spelt 'character?')_ (Yes, only she doesn't know it.)** is named Joan in this not erin :3

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Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse **_(Frederick: What's a clarse?)_ (I have no idea.)** and he nevur looked at me agen. I was abit sad but I new that God **_(Frederick: I get the feeling that you would treat your God as your slave.)_ (It doesn't work that way, Erin. He won't give you what you want.)** wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug. **_(Frederick: You don't have to pray loud enough for God to answer you.) _(I think that God wouldn't like you with a vampire.)**

It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). **_(Frederick: Reading the Bible does not make you a Christian.)_ (It's what you do in the Bible that makes you a Christian.)** I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were **_(Frederick: You can't wound a vampire.) _(I think she meant 'wonder', Frederick.)**

I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me **_(Frederick: He doesn't like you.)_ (She doesn't understand that she is potentially going to get killed.)** because I am hot and a Crhistian. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. "Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning." I say and they all star at me. **_(Frederick: Are they throwing stars at her?)_ (No, it was supposed to be spelt 'stared.')**

They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours **_(Frederick: I thought the Cullens wore expensive brands.)_ (This proves she's an idiot for not researching the whole book.)** but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt **_(Frederick: How does she know them? Is she psychic?)_ (She's a Mary Sue. She automatically knows who they are upon meeting them.)** and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn't agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) **_(Frederick: And you just admitted that they're hot.)_ (I thought you loved Edward, Erin.)** Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,333,##!) **_(Frederick: What's with the random symbols?)_ (Her way of telling us that her so-called object of affection is hot.)**

"Why are you sitting here?" Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl. **_(Frederick: I'll have to try that the next time I see a bear.)_ (No, Erin. You don't smile at him like it's okay. He's telling you to stay away from him.)**

"Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload" I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey. **_(Frederick: And you just had to introduce yourself in a terrible way.)_ (Agreed. Why else would she flirt with him when we know that he's a vampire.)**

"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp **_(Frederick: Oh, great. You actually had me worrying about your sister instead of you.)_ (She's a master at making us feel sorry about a person that is mentioned one time.)**

"C'mon, lets go." He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. **(Frederick: He probably got scared off from the way you stalked him.) (Or maybe it was the Christian propaganda.)** It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.

Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking. **_(Frederick: Gods, he's being pulled in by her bewitching charms.)_ (Let's hope Edward decides to leave her.)**

The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him. **_(Frederick: I have to admit. You say that you're a Christian, but I don't think you are.)_ (Good Christians don't swear, Erin.)**

SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum. **_(Frederick: No, your story is despicable.)_ (I think that you need to take writing classes, Erin.)** I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!1111 333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

**Stick around for more lulz. I'll be updating this rather frequently. Be sure to review and see what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

**The third chapter of this snark is finally here. Frederick will once again appear to snark this chapter.**

Chapter 3: Collisions

OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!11111 **_(Frederick: You don't rudely tell people to leave you alone.)_ (I think she's telling us that she doesn't take kindly to flamers.)** No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! (Frederick: We're not sinners for not liking your story.) (Besides, everyone's a sinner.) it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts : ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo **_(Frederick: You know, there's a feature where you can put a divider to divide a chapter.)_ (Honestly, Erin, I don't know why you neglected to use 's dividers.)**

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Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar. **_(Frederick: Your grades are going to drop if you continue this nonsense.)_ (It's like she doesn't care about school in general.)**

I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. **_(Frederick: Who names their child, 'Jenny Donna?')_ (Apparently, her parents were on drugs.)** (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)

"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. **_(Frederick: Ugh... Chatspeak._) (Don't get me started on that one.)** She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan. **_(Frederick: Funny. I don't see that Amy Lee looks like this Jenny person.)_ (Seriously, you're offending every fan of this band, Erin.)**

"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily. **_(Frederick: What a homophobic girl...)_ (I think she meant 'inquired.')**

"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?" **_(Frederick: The way she spells 'him' is just as bad.)_ (And she spelt his last name wrong again.)**

"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically. **_(Frederick: This proves that the two girls are definitely lusting after Emmet and Edward.)_ (These girls are good "Christian" girls.)**

"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told. **_(Frederick: I feel sorry for Edward being pelted with meat.)_ (Yet another common misspelling of 'meet.')**

"O well he lives in the mountain I herd. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side! **_(Frederick: Joan smelled her?)_ (I think it's supposed to be spelled 'smiled.')**

He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows. **_(Frederick: I'm imagining some woodland animal that scrows like a wounded animal.)_ (Edward's a scrow. A cross between a crow and scowl.)**

"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot. **_(Frederick: Wouldn't he just burn up instead?)_ (No. He just literally sparkles.)**

"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park. **_(Frederick: I think I knew the difference between come and cum when I was little.)_ (Oh, Joan, you know you shouldn't do that in front of him. You haven't been dating him yet.)**

He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111 **_(Frederick: Does she get flattened? Please, gods, let her be flattened like a pancake.)_ (Unfortunately, she survives.)**

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OH NO THATS NOT GOOD! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3 **_(Frederick: I thought God loves everyone, not just hot people.)_ (I think she's delusional.)**

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**And the hideously written chapter ends here. I'm starting to think this chapter was horrible. Please review and tell me what you think.**


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